The Shame of a Good Deed

Today I experienced the crushing shame that comes with being on the receiving end of a good deed.

I was at train station trying to put coins in the machine when the train arrived. The machine was not accepting my two dollar coin and I kept trying to re-insert it to no avail. The train doors opened and I began to grow frustrated as I hurriedly re-inserted my coin.

A stranger passing me noticed my frustration and nodded towards me. He handed me a ticket voucher and I thankfully nodded giving him the two dollar coin in return and hoping on the train just in time.

However, while I thanked the stranger appropriately I also made a conscious effort not to board in the same carriage as him. For some reason I was gripped with this awkward sense of shame for receiving a good deed and I really wanted to avoid seeing this man at all cost.

It was almost to the point where I had wished that the kind deed had not have happened so that I could sort it out by myself and be in no-one's debt.

This may be a corrupt and sad view of society but it has happened on multiple occasions.

Once I was buying a lemon in a supermarket and a man with ten items let me go in front of him. I thanked him profusely but as I stood in front of him getting served at the check out I felt far more uncomfortable in that thirty seconds than I would have if I had waited the five minutes until it was rightfully my turn.

I really don't know where this comes from, whether it's some sort of reflection on my self esteem in that I don't think I truly deserve a kind act, or more realistically the undeniable truth that I probably wouldn't return such kindness to these people if I was in the other position.

See, when I navigate the social sphere I do so with extreme prejudice. For me, it's survival of the fittest. Sure, I'm never excessively rude and I hold the door open here and there but ultimately I'm looking out for one person.

I'm impatient with dawdlers and although I give to the homeless I'm never overly friendly to them. I give up my seat only to the elderly not the middle aged and I walk out in front of cars knowing that the pedestrian holds right of way.

Thus, when someone shows me a kind and caring hand it acts a reminder of the person I'm not and propels me in shame spiral which in turn negates any of the positivity within the initial deed itself. It's a demented psychological affliction and I literally cannot be helped.