Lies in the Classifieds

For some reason I like to add a little lie to another bigger lie that I'm already giving to make it so abstract I can distance myself from it and absolve myself of all guilt whatsoever.

For example, I recently texted someone on Craigslist and asked if he could hold an iPhone he was selling for me  until Monday so I can pay him as soon as I get paid. He agreed and the item was technically sold to me through an agreement of trust. I thanked him profusely and told him I would contact him soon.

A little bit after, I found a better deal for an iPhone and found myself in the position where I needed to bail on the guy who said he would hold it for me. I felt really bad because I had promised him I'd buy it and he was doing me a favour in holding it. So, to absolve myself of all guilt I just sent him the following text:

'Hi,very sorry for being this. but no longer is it I can come to pay and collect of iPhone. This is for due to payment of a bank that are needed by me. very sorry and please will you excuse for it being in convenience. goodbye.'

Now I'm secure in the knowledge that the guy is no longer angry with me (the true perpetrator on the other end of the phone) but rather the imaginary immigrant with broken-English that I created to take all of the blame for me.

Any slight of prose can help distance yourself from the actual lie and therefore the guilt associated with it, throw in the mention of a daughter and you're no longer a 25 year old student but an ageing Dad with the  responsibilities of a family. It's like having a selective multiple personality disorder and as long as the other person doesn't physically see you then you can get away with virtually anything.

You can then go about your day knowing that somewhere in the world there is a person who is angry with character inside their heads inspired by your lies and none of the bad negative karma ever comes back to you.

Snatching the cradle? Or reaching a bit too far into the back of the fridge?

A person who is dating someone far younger than them isn't a dirty sleaze bag preying on the innocence and nativity of younger mates, they're just a mindful consumer.

Dating a girl who is far younger than you is much like grabbing a carton of milk from the back of the fridge in the supermarket.

You're purposefully selecting a product with a longer use by date, what's the shame in that?

As you reach from behind the other cartons for the freshest of the batch, other shoppers around you may silently judge you for your unashamed disregard of consumer etiquette. Don't worry though, because who are they to judge? They're probably the type of people who carry around items until they realise they don't want them and then just put them back on an irrelevant shelf in a foreign aisle.

Next time you are at a supermarket (with or without your eighteen year old girlfriend) keep an eye out for randomly out of place items. More likely than not, those items have been placed there by people who had instantly abandoned them upon the realisation of the other items superiority.

The Charlie Sheen Hadouken

From www.milliondollarcompany.com.au

What did he do to you?'

'I- I can't say, don't make me say his name. It...It brings up too much pain.'

'Who was this man that did these things?'

'His name. I'll never forget it.'

'Who Goddamnit? Who?!'

'Don’t make me say it, please.’ 

‘We’re gonna need some answers from you. How do you know this man?’

‘Well, I used to be a fan of his. I used to enjoy his work. I honestly did. ’

‘Already I don’t like the sound of this guy. Surely he wouldn’t do these things to a fan?’

‘He would and he did.’

‘You need to tell us more if we are to understand the evil that can come from a single human being.’

‘Well like I said, he used to be funny, charming and cool.’

‘Tell me how old you were when he did –’

‘...’

‘Sorry, I mean, how old were you when the occurrence happened?’

‘That’s easy to remember. I was 25 years old. Throughout it all. I was 25 years old.’

‘Such a thing a man your age should never have to face. Like the horrors of war.’ 

‘Yes, but some young men must face war. This is a fact of life.’

‘True. But you are far braver for what you have been through. You are perhaps one of the most courageous, noble and dignified men on the face of this earth. ’

‘And yet I still wasn’t prepared for this type of evil.’

‘He will be brought to justice. I give you my word. Tell me when it started.’

‘I should have seen it coming. I’d seen the videos on the internet. I should have been more prepared. But no one can ever truly be prepared for a thing like that.’

‘WHEN DID IT HAPPEN FOR GOD’S SAKE?!’

‘The last impact? Well, it happened right in the light of day.'

 

‘Where were you?’

‘On the street.’

‘Where exactly? We need to quarantine the area.’

‘I saw him in a beach car park in Los Angeles, California. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him; it was Charlie Sheen no doubt.

Charlie was busy picking up used cigarette butts from the ground when I approached him. His back was turned to me. I called out his name expecting to see the actor I had always loved. Then he turned around. 

I wasn’t initially mistaken, it was Charlie Sheen, but not as I have ever seen him. The person before me had none of the old Charlie left in him.’

‘Soulless.’ 

‘It took him a while to register my presence. He brought his face close to mine and peered into my eyes as if he was looking through to another side.’

‘Then what happened?’

‘His arms rose above his head and they began to slowly sway in the air like dancing snakes. Suddenly his eyes shot back into his skull and his face began to convulse.’ 

‘Accessing data. He was at level five optimum shield.’

‘That’s right. When the eyes returned on me, he was different. Then-then ...then-.

‘Here, it’s okay. Have a drink of water.’

‘Th-thanks.’

‘It’s gonna be alright. This information is going to help us put this guy away.’

‘It’s okay. I can continue.’ 

‘When he spoke his voice was different. As if he was being exorcised by a demon host. He spoke my name. Then-’

‘...’

‘....he started hissing.’

‘He began hissing at me. His stagnant projected a smell of bile and seaweed into my face. It activated my gag reflex and I grew worried for his health. Even then I cared about him. To the end I cared about him. 

I flinched back from the smell and it startled him. He began rolling his head slowly from side to side while staring at me and intensely hissing while his arms still hovered in the air.’ 

‘His body language was aggressive?’

‘It was certainly intimidating, I didn’t know if he was going to attack. I stood my ground. I didn’t take a step back. To this day I know that if I had stepped on my back foot he would have sensed it as a weakness and jumped straight on me.’

‘A witness reported that this happened to one of his other victims. You did the right thing.’

‘He began to pace while looking at the ground. His eyes darted furiously for cigarettes butts on the asphalt. He paced over to the gutter and lunged on a cigarette butt as if it was going to be picked up by some invisible competition.

With the cigarette butt in his hands he began patting down his pockets. He grew angrier than I had ever seen him before, frantically checking his pockets while beginning to grunt with rage. I knew what he wanted so I quickly pulled out my lighter and threw it to the ground in the distance. 

He pounced on it, wrestling the lighter into his hands. While his back was turned, I safely patted the full pack of cigarettes I had in my back pocket.’

‘You should have thrown the lighter further and ran away! This is why we put this information out there – so people can avoid what happened to you.’

‘I’ve read the pamphlets! I know exactly what you’re supposed to do when he approaches. It doesn’t work in real life! The text books don’t account for the fear that is sparked when seeing a live one in the flesh. Nothing can prepare you for that.’

‘Go on. Did he smoke the cigarette?’

‘He tried too. When the lighter sparked, the large flame burnt his nose. He shrieked away, frightened by technology like an animal. I had set my lighter to full flame.’

‘You knew all along.’

‘Once it burnt him he threw the lighter to the ground in an outrage. Suddenly he began jumping up and down. He ran over to the wheel of a car and squatted down. He unbuckled his pants, pulled them to his knees and began to excrete violently from each tract at the same time.’ 

‘BUT THAT'S THE INITIAL PHASE SHIFT OF HIS PRIMARY MOVE!’

‘I had never seen it before in real life. I always heard legend of its existence, but as soon as he moved I knew it was already too late. Time slowed down, everything was happening in slow motion. From the crouching position, he lunged forward and said the word.’

‘....Hadouken..’

‘I woke up with paramedics leaning over me. Initially, I thought the sky was clouded over with intense white but when I felt the gauze being applied to my face, I knew I was inside an ambulance. I looked around the cabin knowing that the men were wasting their time. I had been hit with a Charlie Sheen Hadouken. There was no way I was going to survive. Surely there are other people to save out there who have a chance at living. A waste of ambulance fuel trying to save a sucker like me.’

‘But you didn’t die.’

‘No, although some part of me did die that day. An admiration that lasted years. 

‘One that you will never forget.’ 

‘Platoon. Wall Street. Ferris Bueller. They’re great stand alone performances regardless of the other stuff he’s done! 

I mean, he wasn’t better than Michael J. Fox, but he did a goddamn decent job picking up during Spin City - even though I only saw a couple of episodes here and there, and I was pretty young when I watched them so my taste hadn’t properly evolved to a point where I could make educated judgements on artistic works - but still a decent job!’ 

‘But all that is lost now.’

‘You’re right, all the great memories are gone. All I have now is the name of an enemy.’

‘Charlie Sheen. Believe me when I say this: He is going to die.’

Nazi Childhood Memorabilia

Everyone can remember back to a moment in their life as a child when they learn a word that they didn't understand. Usually we overhear a new swear word said by some older kids and then go on to repeat it without even knowing its definition.

This happened to me but it wasn't a swear word that I learnt, it was the reference to the German Third Reich operated by Adolf Hitler and the National Socialist German Workers' Party from 1933 to 1945.

You see, I know a lot about the Nazi's now -  knowledge that could have easily saved me from an embarrassing incident in my past.

The year was 1996 and I was ten years old. I had recently started my school term for Grade Five and I noticed that my plastic school desk had a particular shape inscribed on it. It was my first ever encounter with the swastika.

It struck me as odd so I asked my friend sitting next to me what it was.

Nonchalantly he replied:

'Oh, that's the sign of the Nazis. They were this group who killed a bunch of people ages ago.'

Instantly I pictured an ancient tribe of head hunters wearing skull necklaces and grass hulas with war paint smeared across their faces and fresh blood dripping from their jagged spears. A romantic image of nomadic warriors hunting amongst the jungle brush.

As my friend turned his back to the class I immediately dove into my pencil case, extracted my scissors and began to carve the swastika into my desk, mimicking the previous child's craft work.

The blade of my scissors dug deeply into my desk and I carved multiple large perfect permanent swastikas almost as if I was channelling Adolf himself.

By the end of the day my desk was riddled with Nazi insignia.

A few weeks into the term I realised to my horror that the Nazi party was, in fact, a bad thing. A very bad thing indeed and the Nazis were not held in as high a regard as the nomadic tribal-men in my imagination. On the Friday at the end of the school term, all of the classes from my grade poured into our classroom for the end of term grade meeting.

Me and my classmates were shuffled to the back of the room as the other children piled in and took their place in any seats they could find. Halfway through the meeting, while I was sitting at my friends desk towards the back of the class my head rose as I heard my name:

'Mr Farrell! Dean's got Nazi signs on his desk.' said one of the children in horror.

In the following silence all I could hear was the noise of shuffled uniforms as bodies necks and heads turned towards my direction. I felt the sting of a intense judgement backed upon a decade of world war.

The teacher looked at me, withholding his disgust, he asked:

'Does your teacher know about this?'

I nodded my head meekly and the meeting resumed. Term came to an end and it was forgotten during the mid-term break.

I never got the chance to clear up with anyone that I was not associated with, or in anyway condone, the Nazi Party, and my schooling continued as I remain to this day, unpunished for the defamation of school property.