Lies in the Classifieds

For some reason I like to add a little lie to another bigger lie that I'm already giving to make it so abstract I can distance myself from it and absolve myself of all guilt whatsoever.

For example, I recently texted someone on Craigslist and asked if he could hold an iPhone he was selling for me  until Monday so I can pay him as soon as I get paid. He agreed and the item was technically sold to me through an agreement of trust. I thanked him profusely and told him I would contact him soon.

A little bit after, I found a better deal for an iPhone and found myself in the position where I needed to bail on the guy who said he would hold it for me. I felt really bad because I had promised him I'd buy it and he was doing me a favour in holding it. So, to absolve myself of all guilt I just sent him the following text:

'Hi,very sorry for being this. but no longer is it I can come to pay and collect of iPhone. This is for due to payment of a bank that are needed by me. very sorry and please will you excuse for it being in convenience. goodbye.'

Now I'm secure in the knowledge that the guy is no longer angry with me (the true perpetrator on the other end of the phone) but rather the imaginary immigrant with broken-English that I created to take all of the blame for me.

Any slight of prose can help distance yourself from the actual lie and therefore the guilt associated with it, throw in the mention of a daughter and you're no longer a 25 year old student but an ageing Dad with the  responsibilities of a family. It's like having a selective multiple personality disorder and as long as the other person doesn't physically see you then you can get away with virtually anything.

You can then go about your day knowing that somewhere in the world there is a person who is angry with character inside their heads inspired by your lies and none of the bad negative karma ever comes back to you.