What did he do to you?'
'I- I can't say, don't make me say his name. It...It brings up too much pain.'
'Who was this man that did these things?'
'His name. I'll never forget it.'
'Who Goddamnit? Who?!'
'Don’t make me say it, please.’
‘We’re gonna need some answers from you. How do you know this man?’
‘Well, I used to be a fan of his. I used to enjoy his work. I honestly did. ’
‘Already I don’t like the sound of this guy. Surely he wouldn’t do these things to a fan?’
‘He would and he did.’
‘You need to tell us more if we are to understand the evil that can come from a single human being.’
‘Well like I said, he used to be funny, charming and cool.’
‘Tell me how old you were when he did –’
‘...’
‘Sorry, I mean, how old were you when the occurrence happened?’
‘That’s easy to remember. I was 25 years old. Throughout it all. I was 25 years old.’
‘Such a thing a man your age should never have to face. Like the horrors of war.’
‘Yes, but some young men must face war. This is a fact of life.’
‘True. But you are far braver for what you have been through. You are perhaps one of the most courageous, noble and dignified men on the face of this earth. ’
‘And yet I still wasn’t prepared for this type of evil.’
‘He will be brought to justice. I give you my word. Tell me when it started.’
‘I should have seen it coming. I’d seen the videos on the internet. I should have been more prepared. But no one can ever truly be prepared for a thing like that.’
‘WHEN DID IT HAPPEN FOR GOD’S SAKE?!’
‘The last impact? Well, it happened right in the light of day.'
‘Where were you?’
‘On the street.’
‘Where exactly? We need to quarantine the area.’
‘I saw him in a beach car park in Los Angeles, California. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him; it was Charlie Sheen no doubt.
Charlie was busy picking up used cigarette butts from the ground when I approached him. His back was turned to me. I called out his name expecting to see the actor I had always loved. Then he turned around.
I wasn’t initially mistaken, it was Charlie Sheen, but not as I have ever seen him. The person before me had none of the old Charlie left in him.’
‘Soulless.’
‘It took him a while to register my presence. He brought his face close to mine and peered into my eyes as if he was looking through to another side.’
‘Then what happened?’
‘His arms rose above his head and they began to slowly sway in the air like dancing snakes. Suddenly his eyes shot back into his skull and his face began to convulse.’
‘Accessing data. He was at level five optimum shield.’
‘That’s right. When the eyes returned on me, he was different. Then-then ...then-.
‘Here, it’s okay. Have a drink of water.’
‘Th-thanks.’
‘It’s gonna be alright. This information is going to help us put this guy away.’
‘It’s okay. I can continue.’
‘When he spoke his voice was different. As if he was being exorcised by a demon host. He spoke my name. Then-’
‘...’
‘....he started hissing.’
‘He began hissing at me. His stagnant projected a smell of bile and seaweed into my face. It activated my gag reflex and I grew worried for his health. Even then I cared about him. To the end I cared about him.
I flinched back from the smell and it startled him. He began rolling his head slowly from side to side while staring at me and intensely hissing while his arms still hovered in the air.’
‘His body language was aggressive?’
‘It was certainly intimidating, I didn’t know if he was going to attack. I stood my ground. I didn’t take a step back. To this day I know that if I had stepped on my back foot he would have sensed it as a weakness and jumped straight on me.’
‘A witness reported that this happened to one of his other victims. You did the right thing.’
‘He began to pace while looking at the ground. His eyes darted furiously for cigarettes butts on the asphalt. He paced over to the gutter and lunged on a cigarette butt as if it was going to be picked up by some invisible competition.
With the cigarette butt in his hands he began patting down his pockets. He grew angrier than I had ever seen him before, frantically checking his pockets while beginning to grunt with rage. I knew what he wanted so I quickly pulled out my lighter and threw it to the ground in the distance.
He pounced on it, wrestling the lighter into his hands. While his back was turned, I safely patted the full pack of cigarettes I had in my back pocket.’
‘You should have thrown the lighter further and ran away! This is why we put this information out there – so people can avoid what happened to you.’
‘I’ve read the pamphlets! I know exactly what you’re supposed to do when he approaches. It doesn’t work in real life! The text books don’t account for the fear that is sparked when seeing a live one in the flesh. Nothing can prepare you for that.’
‘Go on. Did he smoke the cigarette?’
‘He tried too. When the lighter sparked, the large flame burnt his nose. He shrieked away, frightened by technology like an animal. I had set my lighter to full flame.’
‘You knew all along.’
‘Once it burnt him he threw the lighter to the ground in an outrage. Suddenly he began jumping up and down. He ran over to the wheel of a car and squatted down. He unbuckled his pants, pulled them to his knees and began to excrete violently from each tract at the same time.’
‘BUT THAT'S THE INITIAL PHASE SHIFT OF HIS PRIMARY MOVE!’
‘I had never seen it before in real life. I always heard legend of its existence, but as soon as he moved I knew it was already too late. Time slowed down, everything was happening in slow motion. From the crouching position, he lunged forward and said the word.’
‘....Hadouken..’
‘I woke up with paramedics leaning over me. Initially, I thought the sky was clouded over with intense white but when I felt the gauze being applied to my face, I knew I was inside an ambulance. I looked around the cabin knowing that the men were wasting their time. I had been hit with a Charlie Sheen Hadouken. There was no way I was going to survive. Surely there are other people to save out there who have a chance at living. A waste of ambulance fuel trying to save a sucker like me.’
‘But you didn’t die.’
‘No, although some part of me did die that day. An admiration that lasted years.
‘One that you will never forget.’
‘Platoon. Wall Street. Ferris Bueller. They’re great stand alone performances regardless of the other stuff he’s done!
I mean, he wasn’t better than Michael J. Fox, but he did a goddamn decent job picking up during Spin City - even though I only saw a couple of episodes here and there, and I was pretty young when I watched them so my taste hadn’t properly evolved to a point where I could make educated judgements on artistic works - but still a decent job!’
‘But all that is lost now.’
‘You’re right, all the great memories are gone. All I have now is the name of an enemy.’
‘Charlie Sheen. Believe me when I say this: He is going to die.’
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