Ron Weasley

Rupert Grint may be the only Harry Potter cast member who has a nerdier name than the character he plays.

However, say what you want about Ron Weasley. He might play an awkward, ginger coward but there is no doubt in my mind that Ron Weasley walks into a club in L.A, points out three women and says:

'You. You. And you.'

Then, the three smoking hot bombshell babes to whom he was referring listen intently for his command:

'Let's go.'

Then they follow him outside to a black limousine which takes them to a five star hotel where Ron leads the girls up to his penthouse suite.

He opens a champagne bottle before commanding them all to strip. The girls, almost instantly naked await the next words from his mouth which come out vile and spiteful:

'GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!'

They all do so eagerly arching their bare chests in front of themselves.

Then Ron Weasley high on cocaine and with no need for alcohol, starts shaking up the bottle of nine hundred dollar champagne and squirts it all over the naked women. They all giggle but his face remains in a deep frown as he intentionally tries to squirt it in the eyes of the girls to sting them knowing full well they won't complain.

'LICK IT OFF EACH OTHER!!!'

The girls start to make out but he grabs one violently by the hair and puts his face right up into their own.

'No one kisses each other. You understand? Only me.'

The girls quiver under his authority and he sticks his tongue down each of their throats.

'Now lick each other clean.'

The girls as if by unconscious impulse start an oral chain as Ron watches in fury. One of the girls cannot contain her passion and screams out in orgasmic glee:

'Fuck me Ron Weasley!'

Ron Weasley erupts in a piercing scream of rage and slams the champagne bottle down onto the coffee table. He walks over to the girl and holds the sharp edges of the bottle to her throat.

'WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BITCH? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!'

Tears swell in the girls eyes and she quivers:

'Rupert, Rupert, honest to God I said Rupert.'

'THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT!

My name is Rupert Grint and I am worth twenty million pounds. You fucking bow to me'

This is what he does every weekend.

Well at least it's what I would do every weekend if I was in his position of fame and financial security. I'd live a life of complete and utter immorality and constantly accrue anecdotes for a harrowing autobiography.

Then I would release a book entitled "My Life Destroying Ron Weasley: An Autobiography'.

Then when all these little kids and Harry Potter fans would read it they could never again look at Ron Weasley the same way.

In fact no one who read the harrowing details of a life of sin would ever be able to watch the Harry Potter films again without seeing Ron Weasley as a villain far worse than He Who Must Not Be Named.