FHM stands for 'Fabricating Hackneyed Myths'

Not too many blog posts recently, mainly because my flat mate is a bitch and I am moving out because I don't like him.

Here's a link to an article on MDC about FHM:

It has pictures of hot women!

http://milliondollarcompany.com.au/articles/12/

Sar.

Even Plain Girls Always Get What They Want

Within some elements of the 'dating game' girls have it incredibly easier than men.

Throughout my pursuits of romance (read: when I drunkenly hassle women at bars) I usually play the role of the pursuer. This is fine by me, I can chose who I want to pursue whereas if I was female I wouldn't be able to choose who pursued me.

However, through my experiences of being the pursuer I have developed a tough skin which most girls never acquire. The other day however my usual role was reversed and I was pursued by a girl  who asked me out on a date.

Anyway, for a variety of reason's I told this girl that I couldn't make it. Three days later she sends me a message saying:

'Hey, I'm not used to being turned down (especially when there's an implied offer for sex involved) so let me know why exactly can we not hang out?'

This a typical example of many females attitudes towards dating.

Not used to being turned down?

Well, guess what? Fuck you!

I've got rejection down to a fucking art form!

Do you see me complaining to the girls who brush me? Nope. I get on with my life.

If you're a man, no matter how good you are at picking up women, rejection is always a constant throughout the dating game. One girl gets rejected once in her life and she cannot possibly fathom why someone wouldn't want to date her. It's completely out of her reality, her bubble burst and she comes falling down to the surface of the Earth where every single male spends the majority of their time.

Guys go out every night prowling for girls and get faced constantly. On nights out I've had women call me an ass-hole, loser, dick/fuck-head, piece of shit, weirdo, wanker, jerk, and a variety of other hurtful names. My favourite line so far was when one woman said to me:

'I'm not giving you my number. Because I can suck a REAL dick.'

Story of every man's life

The nerve of you women is unbelievable. I get brushed everyday then when the shoes on the other foot, all of a sudden I need to explain myself for such unacceptable behaviour.

Females of the world. Man the fuck up!

In love, things rarely go the way you want, get over it, stop being so sensitive and feel grateful you're not hideously deformed.

A Deterrent For Adultery

Say your in love with a woman and you decide to marry her and raise a family. The two of you wed and you have two children, a girl and a boy. Picture perfect right?

Certainly.

By all means.

Until you catch her with another man's cock in her mouth.

You're completely heart broken, you've never known such misery, your entire life crumbles and you lose your ability to believe.

Now, here's what you do...

Wait.

Sorry, before I go on I will warn you that this is a fucked up thought. However, be aware that I am a sane and rational human being and I know it's a fucked up thought. When I have fucked up thoughts it doesn't scare me because at least I know these thoughts are fucked up and I would never act on them. It's only when you see your madness as warranted that you are truly insane.

To give you an example of some of my fucked up thoughts read the following:

I was at my sisters wedding recently and I was part of the bridal party. In the middle of the ceremony I looked around at 160  family and friends in this large beautiful church watching my gorgeous sister marry the man of her dreams, and I thought 'Wouldn't it be fucked up if I had brought a gun and as soon as she said "I Do" I walked over and blew my brains out over her wedding dress.'.

Now that thought is FUCKED UP.

But still, just imagine it!

It would turn what should be one of the greatest days of my sister's life into a terrible tragedy that would scar every witness forever. You would need grief counselling!

Okay, settle down obviously I didn't end up doing it (because I forgot the god-damn bullets!)

HOWEVER.

Fucked up thoughts like this are not to be denied but embraced curiously as a hypothetical.

Recently, I have  out done myself with sick thoughts so I decided to do what I always do when I have a fucked up thought. Post it on the internet!

Basically, if the woman/man of your dreams and mother/father of your children cheats on you and you want absolute revenge this is what you should do:

Simply kill both of your children, write 'This is all your fault (insert name of unfaithful lover here)!' with their blood and then kill yourself.

Now, there's people out there that think, c'mon dude why not just kill yourself? Isn't that enough?

No, because if you cheat on your partner and then your partner kills themselves you can just re-frame your grief by saying 'Well, their suicide was a selfish act. Far more selfish than adultery, so technically fuck him/her. They don't deserve my pity or grief if they are going to do something like that!'

This is where the children come into play (and believe me I know this works). Through the nature of causality the children are innocent victims of you're partner's adultery and the guilt of having the deaths of children on your head for the price of sexual gratification is far too much to handle emotionally. Hence, you gain the ultimate revenge of doing to your lover what they have done to you.

Okay, there you have it. The most fucked thought I've had in my life (that I'm willing to share).

However I think this could be used as a deterrent for adultery. Say you marry the man/woman of your dreams? Well, when you wed, calmly tell them that if they ever cheat on you then you will kill yourself and any and all children you have because that's how strong the grief of loosing them would be. When you consider it, it's almost romantic, you love your partner so much that you the very thought of losing them would incite you to exact revenge in the world's most sadistic guilt trip.

They might not believe you but I can guarantee they will certainly think twice about cheating on you.

Fuck you Microsoft Word with your sentence fragment accusations. No I will not consider revising! I am a man, you’re just a robot! I have a soul, you have NOTHING!

Like most young single guys with no prospects in their life other than a guaranteed lonesome death, I hold only one optimistic view towards the future - the possibility that machines will rise up and destroy humanity in a gory high-tech apocalypse. 

However I'm constantly greeted with indications that this will unfortunately not happen in my life time. Why? Because Microsoft is too busy enjoying their monopoly that they don't bother to continually evolve and expand on their computer systems. 

Take Microsoft Word for instance. Apart from the fact that it underlines almost every sentence as a 'sentence fragment' just to annoy the shit out of you and make you feel dumb, it's thesaurus is idiotically primitive. 

Take a look at this screen shot. It has the word 'Discrepancies' typed into Word:

  

Now, watch what happens when I command word to use it's Thesaurus to find a synonym for the word 'Discrepancies':

Fucking, 'Discrepancy' is not a synonym for 'Discrepancies', it's the same mother-fucking word. 

Microsoft is a billion dollar global super power and it gives you the same word when you specifically asked for a different word. This happens with any word that is written in plural form - alls the thesaurus will give you back is the same word in singular form. It's not like we don't have the technology to change this flaw, but it's that Microsoft don't bother to change it because they don't give a shit. 

This is why I cannot wait for Google to create an operating system and a word formatting program because Microsoft doesn't care enough to continually evolve. Google knows where it's at. Bing is a complete pile of shit that makes me sick. Google is constantly trying to find ways to make internet browsing better and easier. 

So fuck you Microsoft Word you silly robot, you can't even grasp the concept of a synonym - you will never take over the human race. 

If you love something, let it go.

Then, if it comes back to you it's yours and you can continually let it go from time to time whenever you feel the urge to fuck someone else.

You can just keep on letting it go knowing you own it forever and every time it returns you'll just lose more and more respect for it and you'll have no worries in treating it worse and worse.

After a while it will become obsessed with you through the constant rejection because it will naturally want what it can't have. It'll develop delusional fantasies that you are the only one for it and that it will be able to change you because it's the only one who truly loves you for who you are. Eventually you can just get in the habit of basically living a promiscuous single lifestyle, partying and fucking other people while sporadically coming back to throw it a bone so it won't starve.

After a while you should be able to have it waiting on you hand and foot while supporting you financially in a vain attempt to impress and care for you because by now it's lost all of it's self confidence and only sees itself through your eyes and will subsequently do anything for you're approval.

Then throughout your sexual prime you will be able to pursue your wildest dreams by fucking all types of different sexual partners knowing full well that you will never die alone or fail romantically because you will be able to fall back on the one person who truly loves you with all their heart (but only if you don't find anything better).

Ron Weasley

Rupert Grint may be the only Harry Potter cast member who has a nerdier name than the character he plays.

However, say what you want about Ron Weasley. He might play an awkward, ginger coward but there is no doubt in my mind that Ron Weasley walks into a club in L.A, points out three women and says:

'You. You. And you.'

Then, the three smoking hot bombshell babes to whom he was referring listen intently for his command:

'Let's go.'

Then they follow him outside to a black limousine which takes them to a five star hotel where Ron leads the girls up to his penthouse suite.

He opens a champagne bottle before commanding them all to strip. The girls, almost instantly naked await the next words from his mouth which come out vile and spiteful:

'GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!'

They all do so eagerly arching their bare chests in front of themselves.

Then Ron Weasley high on cocaine and with no need for alcohol, starts shaking up the bottle of nine hundred dollar champagne and squirts it all over the naked women. They all giggle but his face remains in a deep frown as he intentionally tries to squirt it in the eyes of the girls to sting them knowing full well they won't complain.

'LICK IT OFF EACH OTHER!!!'

The girls start to make out but he grabs one violently by the hair and puts his face right up into their own.

'No one kisses each other. You understand? Only me.'

The girls quiver under his authority and he sticks his tongue down each of their throats.

'Now lick each other clean.'

The girls as if by unconscious impulse start an oral chain as Ron watches in fury. One of the girls cannot contain her passion and screams out in orgasmic glee:

'Fuck me Ron Weasley!'

Ron Weasley erupts in a piercing scream of rage and slams the champagne bottle down onto the coffee table. He walks over to the girl and holds the sharp edges of the bottle to her throat.

'WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BITCH? WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!!'

Tears swell in the girls eyes and she quivers:

'Rupert, Rupert, honest to God I said Rupert.'

'THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT!

My name is Rupert Grint and I am worth twenty million pounds. You fucking bow to me'

This is what he does every weekend.

Well at least it's what I would do every weekend if I was in his position of fame and financial security. I'd live a life of complete and utter immorality and constantly accrue anecdotes for a harrowing autobiography.

Then I would release a book entitled "My Life Destroying Ron Weasley: An Autobiography'.

Then when all these little kids and Harry Potter fans would read it they could never again look at Ron Weasley the same way.

In fact no one who read the harrowing details of a life of sin would ever be able to watch the Harry Potter films again without seeing Ron Weasley as a villain far worse than He Who Must Not Be Named.

Chopper Reid is a Pretentious Hypocrite

Chopper Reid has been on Australian television lately telling people not to commit crimes.

Thanks Chopper, why don't you write that little tip down and send it to yourself circa 1970 when you were convicted of armed robbery.

After watching the video above where a convicted felon tells me not to drink and drive I wanted to down a bottle of vodka and go drive through a school zone out of pure spite.

Regardless of what the advertisements tells you, it's wrong. A killer is not a killer. I don't want to condone drunk driving but there's a difference between doing something dumb which eventually causes a tragic accident and shooting someone in the head for money.

For one, I've never driven my car drunk, ran over an old lady and then woken up the next morning with ten thousand dollars in cash.

Chopper doesn't just speak out against drunk driving but also violence against women.

First of all, this advertisement blatantly boasts the fact that the Australian prison system is flawed enough to allow violent attack amongst inmates. How come the prison authorities are just letting the prisoners deal out justice to each when it comes to things like this? Do we not have control of our prisons or are our prisons so corrupt that they allow these attacks to happen because the guards and other inmates frown down upon certain crimes?

Why should people who have beaten up women get any worse treatment? Why is a woman beater worse than a person who beats men? Shouldn’t we all be equal? Isn’t that what feminists have been campaigning for? 

What about me? I am as skinny as any woman out there and I can’t fight for shit. Is Chopper Reid going to defend my honour by breaking the necks of my attackers once they are behind bars?

Probably not, because I doubt my attackers would be behind bars because our culture tolerates violence amongst men more than it does towards women. That's the true sexism, not that violence against women is heavily frowned upon but that violence against men is seen as a part of life.

A woman gets beaten up and there's twenty advertisements and group lobbying for change. I get beaten up and people call me a pussy for not swinging back.